An Untitled Poem

I’m losing sleep in my waking dream,
Haunted by a reflection of you,
It hurts me to remember,
This painful thing,
I don’t want to say it-
Want never to remember it-
Want naught to do with it.

But there, it’s still there,
Whispering at me,
Keeping me awake,
I want naught to do with it.

I’ll wait for now,
Sleepless,
Restless,
Thin as paper,
Waiting to recover,
Please don’t make me say it.



Wrote it in about 5 minutes, curious as to what you guys think.

http://www.gamingforce.org/forums/se...tty-poems.html

I can think of no better way to sum up my reaction.

I don't think the phrase 'thin as paper' matches. But putting that aside, it's good enough. Just try to put more emotions in and you'll do better.

why use naught? why use that word? Can't you use the word 'nothing' like a normal person. What? It doesn't fit into your poem properly? Guess that means "STOP WRITING POEMS".

The man is sort of right. The form is flawed, the word usage is very high school. And the guy above, who said put more emotion into it, doesn't know writing at all. Poetry, even prose poetry, is not strictly about emotion. It's also about finding a way to use repetition, and form, and structure in order to put that sort of emotion on the plate and still make it usable. You have some talent with words, sure, but you need to refine it. I'd recommend joining a writing group, or taking some classes so you can actually do something other than just write a poem that looks like it would show up in Season 1 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Thanks Deni and Ozma! As I said, I wrote it in 5 minutes, not giving much thought. Just wrote down the feelings and whatever came to mind at the time. Wanted a little constructive criticism from outside before I went back to it. Again, thanks

I like it! Especially the "please don't make me say it" at the end. And I disagree with what has been said here before, it conveys enough emotions for me. Anything more would be too artificial, but I guess that's a matter of taste.