Dating...

Yeah, it's the song and dance we all love to hate, or is it hate to love?

Anyway, having been out of a relationship I had a while back (and, I do mean, a while back) I've been dating, fairly regularly, for the past couple of years.

At first, I was having fun, I was optimistic, I had a few one night stands (I still do). Meeting new people, experiencing new things, I never thought of it becoming an egregious process.

Well, it seems it has, now. I don't know whether it's that I'm too picky, or I'm just so incredibly [insert adjective here] that the opposite sex gets tired of me or what?

It's not like I ask for much, you know, no kids (is that too much to ask at 22?), capable of stringing together coherent thoughts, and all of the digits/appendages present and accounted for, also, maybe a little bit of self control.

But, you know, I've met people just about everywhere you can meet people these days: school, work, at parties, through friends, coffee shops/bars/night clubs, the library, I even dabbled in online dating.

It's like should I be bothered by the fact that I can't find people who are capable of spelling at the level a high school graduate should? Or, you know, is it a problm that I don't make 80K/year at my age?

Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?

Maybe I'm looking for advice, maybe I'm looking for consolation or maybe I'm just looking for people who agree? disagree? Am I insane? picky? or justified?

It took me until I was 30 to find someone who I thought was worth being in a relationship with. Well, actually it took me until I was 30 to find someone who was still worth being in a relationship with after six months. Not to mention someone who still thought that I was worth being in a relationship with after six months.

All through my life until that point I had just not found anyone whose personality was a good match for mine. I wasn't always the one to end the relationships, but I doubt that I could have ever been happy with any of my old flames, even if they had not split up with me first. There was always something that just didn't fit. Something that would have stopped me from being happy with that person, long term. You can lie to yourself for only so long. Sooner or later my dissatisfaction and lack of commitment would become apparent, and that's the begining of the end.

I wanted a long term relationship so badly. So much so that I tried to rescue these doomed relationships even when I wasn't happy. So much so that I stayed with someone I couldn't stand anymore for a year, even though it became apparent after three or four months that it just wasn't right.

Maybe I'm picky, maybe I ask too much. The things I ask for from a woman are mainly things about her personality, and her interests. It's important that she share at least some of my most important interests, as well as having some of her own. It's important that we share the same views on at least some of the big issues. It's important that she doesn't find wealth important beyond that required to live. It's important that she be intelligent and articulate.

Maybe I am asking too much. So far, I found it once. It took 30 years. The results have so far been good enough that I'm inclined to say that I'm asking just exactly enough, though. I don't see any reason to assume that this relationship won't work out, and it was worth waiting for.

I hope that this is relevant to you in some way. If I were you I'd hold to your ideals. You probably will find the person you're looking for... if you wait long enough, and keep an open mind as to where you might find them.

I guess I'm in a similar situation to the one you are in right now. Being picky when choosing your partner isn't really anything to be ashamed of, just be carefull of not being TOO picky. I mean, I wouldn't turn someone down just because she couldn't spell properly as long as it doesn't reflect itself upon her personality. Personally, I can't stand dumb chicks. It doesn't matter how attractive they are, if they are dumb as hell then the deal is off. I mean, it's not that I have to have someone who's at my own level of intelligence, but it sure helps if she's not a hick. Such a turn-off! XD

Everyone has standards, whether it be looks or something else. It's all a matter of personal reference and in the end you just have to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself "am I really that much better myself? Is <insert quality> really what's important? Why?".

Yeah, you know, maybe you're right. At the sametime, though, I hate to have this feeling that I'm sort of sitting around waiting for something to come along.

I've found that the "Well, there's always tomorrow" or "maybe it'll just get better soon" attitude doesn't work too well.

Originally Posted by Duo Maxwell

Yeah, you know, maybe you're right. At the sametime, though, I hate to have this feeling that I'm sort of sitting around waiting for something to come along.

I've found that the "Well, there's always tomorrow" or "maybe it'll just get better soon" attitude doesn't work too well.

You're right, it doesn't. I was miserable as hell during my long stints of being single, and I was often feeling pretty crappy while I was actually dating, because of the feeling of dating the wrong person. The fact remains though, that I wouldn't have been able to be happy in a relationship with anyone who didn't match up to the picture in my head. I'm assuming based on your first post that you're the same way. Someone who isn't on your mental frequency will just make you crazy.

It was never about physical attractiveness for me, I hasten to add. I've got certain tastes in that regard, just like any other man, but I don't insist on the pinnacle of physical beauty by any means. As long as a girl has dark hair, and isn't too tall, I'm comfortable with that.

I just wanted someone I could talk to, and share the things that are important to me with. I spend a lot of my leisure time on my interests, so its important to me that my partner be able to relate to that, and communicate with me about that.

I could be reading into your post too much, but it seems like we're not too different when it comes to what we're looking for, so I figure there's no point in you trying to settle for someone who isn't right... it just won't work. It's not any kind of consolation, or help to you, but it's the way I see things.

Agreed with Soulzar.

Don't lower your standards, afterall what's the point of dating someone that has nothing to what you are looking for? You know you won't be happy with the wrong person, so don't put up with it.

Patience is a virtue! XD

Well, if you can't find anyone it's either wait or adapt. Dating is easy, but finding the right one is hard. It gets harder if the one you want is already taken, as is usually the case with me (not that I let that stop me , as long as she's not a friend's gf I'm all in for the steal. All is fair in love and war.).

Addition:
I just want to make it clear that I agree that Duo should just wait. I personally wouldn't date anyone that doesn't match my preferences at least to some degree. I just try not to be overly picky about it. Just try to analyze your preferences and see if they are really THAT necessary. Having standards is a good thing, but if your standards are too high then there might be no one who can live up to them. If you'd rather be alone because you can't find that girl who's a millionare, has blonde hair, a great body and has won the Nobel prize twice, then I'd have to say that you're being more than a bit too picky.

The more I think about it, the more I realize it's not that I'm too picky.

I'm not asking for a supermodel or a movie actress, here. Nor am I asking for the next pulitzer prize winner (although, that would be cool. Nerdy journalist chicks are a turn-on). But you know, a cute face goes a long way and so does some intelligence paired with a generally outgoing or amiable personality.

Too many good guys, too many b*tches. :\ Only a b*tch would quote a phrase saying men are like parking spaces, the good ones are taken. :\

Try going at your interests more to find these girls. Its rare of course, and often more than not, these girls even with same interests as you, have their share of problems too. Before Jimmy and I met irl after only a brief serious iming/pming each other for 3 months on here in GFF, I told him he MUST learn sign language, letters and hand signs. He did succeed in knowing the letters, but barely on the hand signs. But we worked it out and managed just fine. We're together for 3 years since and believe it or not, we're our first serious bf/gf relationship toward one another, he's 26 and I'm 28 currently.

We plan on getting married soon, but just to throw it out there... I'd like to believe that new experience in a relationship kinda does help with not being so picky as MUCH. In fact, we weren't both looking for anyone at the time when we ended up together and we came together irl due to exstringent circumstances that didn't have to do with our relationship at all. But I know how lonely it is, and I must assure you that often, you'll just so happen to find her when you're NOT EXPECTING her at all.

Wow Philia, grats!

Back to main topic: Leon and I are celebrating our 3rd year anniversary this weekend!

oh. wait. wrong topic. oops.

I mean, you should hold the standards that you have. It could be that you're just not ready yet, too. Sometimes things happen in the most impossible way when you least expect it. I think the experiences you've had with the dates you didn't like help you steer away from those kind of people that eventually end up being those who you can't stand to live with. What's the point of getting yourself into a long-term dating experience if you're ultimately not compatible with them in a marriage?

You're not doing anything wrong, it's just you're in the wrong waters at the wrong season to be catching the "ideal" fish, metaphorically speaking.

Well, not to say that I'm looking, but if I was, I wouldn't waste my time looking but concentrate on bettering myself first (learning to be smarter, prettier, better shape, more educated, more money, etc. etc. etc.) and when the opportunity arises, I'll make damn sure he's a guy with standards, and thinks with his brain first before he starts even remotely thinking with his penis. This I learned from a few good long train-derailing avalanches of disastrous events.

Originally Posted by Duo Maxwell

The more I think about it, the more I realize it's not that I'm too picky.

I'm not asking for a supermodel or a movie actress, here. Nor am I asking for the next pulitzer prize winner (although, that would be cool. Nerdy journalist chicks are a turn-on). But you know, a cute face goes a long way and so does some intelligence paired with a generally outgoing or amiable personality.

The problem is that you're 22. Most people within say 4 years of your age are absolute retards - living from day to day with no sense of long-term thoughts or any actual intelligence. It's quite rare to find someone I can hold an intelligent conversation with, and I keep that high on my list of requirements.

The Girl I've been dating for the last 3 months is one of those rare exceptions, thankfully. Science Education major, honors student, not a supermodel but reasonably attractive. A bit shy, but nice personality and it's refreshing to have someone who I can talk to for hours without having to worry about repeatedly explaining myself or "dumbing down" what I say - we can just talk flat-out level to each other back and forth for what seems like ever, which makes stuff go much smoother.

Quote:

Most people within say 4 years of your age are absolute retards

Quoted for truth.

I can't help but think that sometimes I'm one of those retards, though. Because, yes, I will on occasion, date someone for the sole purpose of having sex with them. I don't feel I'm misleading them in anyway, as usually it goes something like "Yeah, I'm not really looking for anything serious" (the silent caviat to that is "...with you") and I usually get, "Me neither, I'm just looking for something fun."

Quote:

The problem is that you're 22. Most people within say 4 years of your age are absolute retards - living from day to day with no sense of long-term thoughts or any actual intelligence. It's quite rare to find someone I can hold an intelligent conversation with, and I keep that high on my list of requirements.

What community college do you attend?

There seems to be a lack of intelligent people in your daily life. That's unfortunate. I'm lucky enough to attend university at Waterloo, and intelligence is just in the air. I'm thinking about bottling it and making a fortune; let me know if you want in.

(I hope you weren't offended by my community college comment. It seemed very blatant, even if I believe the same thing.) Is your comment an assessment of the people at your school/college or just your experience of highschoolers or maybe mainstream entertainment?

Uhh, I don't see what you're getting at. Being that I am in the working world, you know, that mysterious place after college and degree holders or not, there seem to be a lot of stupid people.

Again, emphasizing the fact that a degree isn't really a measure of intelligence. If anything, a degree is nothing more than a testament to how much power social constructs have over us.

Quote:

What community college do you attend?

Try again. Michigan State University - Computer Science Major, 3.93GPA, in my fourth semester now but will be a few credits away from senior status when it's done thanks to the magic of AP exams and transfer credit from the math I took back in High School at a community college.

I've also spent time around the campuses of many other four-year instutitions of various prestige, and always got the same opinion - the kids may have enough book smarts to be able to survive and pass their classes, but in terms of real intelligence and thinking long-term, we're all retarded. I may claim to think about such things more than the people I'm around, but I do dumb stuff too.

What's your hurry? Think of it this way. It's almost a statistical certainty that eventually you WILL find someone you are compatible with and you will marry them. If all goes well, you will be with that person for a very, very long time. I would suggest that you relax and enjoy the ride (pun intended). You're much too young to be getting antsy that you haven't found "the one."

I'd comment a few short paragraphs on this, but I'm running low on time right now...

Chill out and stop worrying so much. Just keep living and sooner or later, you'll bump into someone thats wonderful for you. I'm 26 right now, and I was so damn worried about not ever finding anyone, but I'll just keep going forward and get lucky someday.

To be continued...

Well, marriage isn't really a factor. I'd probably sooner become a eunuch.

I mean, I'm more like looking for something that lasts longer than, you know, a month. Nothing serious, but a relationship, none the less.