"Settling down"

Based on nadi's journal entry and seeing responses, I'd like to know what you all think about the idea of "settling down" or whatever.

There seems to be a good deal of pessimism regarding marriage, housing, and kids both here and outside of here in some circles. I'm one of them.

While I recognize that maturity, finance, and mental capability come into play here, I wonder what the "average" age should be for the ideal time to settle down.

On a personal note, I struggle with the idea a lot. I always like to know what's next in line, and how to prepare for it. But I feel entirely too young to be getting married, buying a house, and having kids.

I feel pressure from family a lot about these things (particularly my mother, but her input really is childish and based on personal desire), and society (I think?) leads me to think that I may be just putting things on a back burner. I'm coming up on 27 years old (just TYPING that causes me to worry), and I am kind of lost when it comes to what I want. I mean, I KNOW what I want - but down the line, of course. I'm getting older, and it feels like there's a clock ticking away that I have to beat. Meet a deadline or something. But I'm sure that's due to the pressures I feel from those in my family, those friends of mine who have since settled in (both happy and unhappy), and from society.

Is this typical? What would be considered an ideal situation for even THINKING of settling down?

I try to be pragmatic about it all: I still have a good deal of kid in me who wants to see the nation, travel and learn more. I sense that if I were to settle down, I'd be almost boxing myself in and willing put myself into a subset of family living - which I am PERSONALLY not so willing to accept. But I fear that this sense will remain well into my older years.

Not that I am asking any of you internet people to guide my life. I just wonder what the relatively reasonable age would be to consider these things would be.

I could do marriage after I finish my PhD and maybe a post doc and settle into a job I might have more than two years, by god damn do I hate kids. My mom's advice to me about that was, "Yeah, I didn't want kids either, but once you have them you start to like them.

Only the nation, Sass?

It would be interesting to see statistics of success rates of marriages based on the age the people were at the time of the ceremony. And I wonder too if second marriages tend to last longer because people had a "practice" round and now they know what they really want. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that the divorce rate is about the same across the board.

Pre-Joley (PJ?) I thought 25 was a decent age to get married (certainly no younger), and that I wanted kids about 28. That way I had time to see the world, act, figure out the marriage, be spontaneous, etc. I don't see the problem with getting married later, as long as you're still young enough to have kids without a huge risk of birth defects.

My perspective on has changed a bit now though, given how young I was when J was born (22). In some ways I still think it's crazy to get married before you're 25, but at the same time I feel like I'm way beyond most people my age anyway. Having Joley made me grow up quite a bit, so getting married in the not so distant future wouldn't seem too weird.

Not that it'll happen, though.

Originally Posted by nadienne

Only the nation, Sass?

I figure since it's rather expensive to do international travels, I would wait until I was retired and older to do those things. I would never have the time or money to travel the world at this age. Work hard, rear children, then relax. ^_^ (Ideally, of course)

Quote:

I don't see the problem with getting married later, as long as you're still young enough to have kids without a huge risk of birth defects.

This is another thing I've been kicking around.

I think you're absolutely right - marriage can be held off on. But I wonder if getting married BEFORE having kids is the more ideal situation? Legally, unmarried folks with kids get the same rights from what I've seen. (Since love children aren't looked down upon so much anymore, I figure)

I'm going to be a married man in 9 days, but the idea of settling down has been so appealing to me ever since I graduated university.

I wanted to be in a comfortable position in my life before I decided to get married and wanted to settle down. We already have a home and even though we're not considering having kids at any time in the near future, there is that possibility that kids may come into the picture.

I think the term settling down doesn't necessarily mean your life has to slow down. Its one of the reasons why we decided not to have kids in the near future because we've both been working so hard and sacrificing so much to put ourselves into such a comfortable position, we want to have some free to do some world travelling and everything else along those lines. Granted we could enjoy our lives just as much if kids were into the picture because if kids come into the picture we want them to be our primary focus and not necessarily our own selfish wants and needs. I've seen it too many times in which couples try to make their social lives more important than the lives of their own children. I think you can perfectly balance both a social life and your children as long as you stay focused and willing to make some sacrifices along the way.

We've been together for over 4 years and we still haven't gone on a holiday together because we haven't had any free time and the funds were not available. I just really haven't took time to really get out there and enjoy everything the world has to offer, but I firmly believe that I wanted to get my foundation built before my future wife and I took time to get out and enjoy the world.

I just feel pretty grateful that I managed to meet someone that had the same desire to settle down as much as I did, and I was 24 and she was 22.

The only true drawback that I'm seeing with me having this strong desire to settle down is my perception and attitude toward a lot of my friends and its kind of my own fault. A lot of my friends are in their mid-20's and lately they've become less and less appealing for me to hang around with because as I'm trying my hardest to get to a point in my life in which I'm financially stable so I can be comfortable when I'm settling down I see a lot of my friends really doing nothing with their lives in terms of building a foundation for themselves. In my eyes they still work at crappy jobs, not saving any money and even the majority of them don't have a vehicle and they literally waste any amount of money they get. The thing is I can't really hold it against them, because I'm not their parent and I'm not their guardian and they are more than welcome to do what they want with their own lives. I can't tell them how to live. They're still my friends.

In terms of your question Sass, there is no required age for people wanting to settle down, I wanted to settle down as young as 23 which would probably be unheard of for a lot of people. Everybody is going to have their own definition of what settling down truly means. I feel pretty proud that I'm getting really close to reaching that point in my life and I think when I get there; this is when I'll really enjoy my life and everything it has to offer.

I apologize in advance if the post is long.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

This is another thing I've been kicking around.

I think you're absolutely right - marriage can be held off on. But I wonder if getting married BEFORE having kids is the more ideal situation? Legally, unmarried folks with kids get the same rights from what I've seen. (Since love children aren't looked down upon so much anymore, I figure)

Depends on what you mean by the "same rights." If you're married, you get a lot of tax breaks you wouldn't get if you were just living together, and that money makes a huge difference when you have a kid.

Other than that I can't think what you mean by rights. Like custody stuff?

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

I figure since it's rather expensive to do international travels, I would wait until I was retired and older to do those things. I would never have the time or money to travel the world at this age. Work hard, rear children, then relax. ^_^ (Ideally, of course)

It sounds like a good plan in theory, but this doesn't always work out. I have family members that tried to do that, but due to the deaths of spouses at relatively early ages (early 50's) it hasn't worked out as they had hoped.

Not to mention you may get restless long before retirement and want to get out to see as much as you can before you get old.

I've been thinking about this a lot since I saw this thread, and honestly, I'm still not sure how I want to answer this.

When I was younger (high school age), my best friend and I discussed marriage by age 24. Just a week ago, we discussed this again, thinking about where we are in life (her with a boyfriend of 2+ years that she's not entirely happy with, me without any prospects in sight)... and realized that 24 is suddenly a LOT closer than we'd expected.

I know that marriage is something that I want in the future. Much of it probably has to do with the security associated with it, but with divorce rates as they are, that comfort is slowly disappearing. The idea of being handed divorce papers is terrifying to me.

My cousin was recently married and had a kid, all around age 30. While logic (and my mother) tells me that that's a wonderful age to aim for marriage - plenty of time to work on my career and settle into my own life - another part of me panics, thinking that it could very well be 'too late' by that point. I'd like to be 'settled down' before then, and certainly no kids before marriage (if at all).

So all in all, it comes down to me 'playing it by ear'. Ideally, I like to think that I'll 'just know' when I'm ready for something like that.

Well, as you know we got married at 21, which was way too early. If I had to do it again I would probably wait until I was 25 or after I've been with the guy 2+ years. I certainly don't really want kids. Every now and then I get the urge and talk to Cooper about it and he's all NO!!! If we have kids I want it to be before I'm 30 and so does he. I've recently thought about fostering kids...to get in experience. I really really don't want to give birth to a child so if I ever have one I would prefer an adopted child anyway. Of course Cooper says no to the fostering thing right now too. I think doing that would help me mature a lot and give me something that I have to do and stick with and not give up.

Originally Posted by Anazai

I think doing that would help me mature a lot and give me something that I have to do and stick with and not give up.

Personally, I don't think a person should use children to help themselves mature. It seems counter-intuitive to me.

You should probably be certain that you're mature enough to have kids before having them.

I have been going out with the same girl for 3 years. After a very brief stint with another girl at the same time in which I had to choose between a Japanese and Korean girl. After a long pros / cons session with my self I decided that 3 years should not be thrown away and that I had more in common with my girlfriend of 3 years.

I am about to move to California to take on a job for a recording studio and I will be appart for 9 months while she finishes our lease and I get settled and able to recieve her. We both at this point have faith that this will work considering she put up with me for 3 years.

We are both at the age where we want to settle down and be there although we do not want children at this time because there is still too much fun to be had which takes money!!

Originally Posted by Shively

I have been going out with the same girl for 3 years. After a very brief stint with another girl at the same time in which I had to choose between a Japanese and Korean girl. After a long pros / cons session with my self I decided that 3 years should not be thrown away and that I had more in common with my girlfriend of 3 years.

I am about to move to California to take on a job for a recording studio and I will be appart for 9 months while she finishes our lease and I get settled and able to recieve her. We both at this point have faith that this will work considering she put up with me for 3 years.

We are both at the age where we want to settle down and be there although we do not want children at this time because there is still too much fun to be had which takes money!!

You're back talking about the Jap and the Korean again?

I don't... even understand... how this has to do with settling down.

Not to mention that if you're kind of on the fence about who you want to be with, maybe "settling down" isn't exactly something you should be thinking about. Maybe it's me.

Japs moan louder, And korean reeks of booze and kim chi (oir however you fucking spell it)