Help me with my secret mission, operation chick-fake

Hey all you web-heads, I need help with an upcoming, top-secret mission. I can't divulge specifics, but I am going to have to dress up as a woman and go undercover for a very long while. (I may also have to wear a fat suit and/or fake being a different race - gotta check with the scenario boys and I'll keep you posted). Now I'm not a woman, so this is going to be a fish-out-of-water scenario for me that looks to be the action/comedy/suspense hit with investigation departments this summer!

My question to you is: how can I learn to act as realistically as possible like a woman, in the fastest ways possible? What resources should I consult and what preparation can I do? Keep in mind the mission is soon and it's very deep cover so I've got to get up-to-speed as quickly as possible on ALL aspects of understanding and acting like a chick. (Chicks call each other chicks, right?).

P.S. This wasn't posted in the sewers, despite the potential benefits, because of the results I knew it would unfortunately engender.

Start caring about your appearance, both in your hygiene and in your manners. Also forget everything you know about not dating your friends' exes. Finally, if you spit, stop doing that.

You're a scriptwriter for ABC, aren't you?

No, don't tell me. Big Momma's House 3? Hopefully you're black so you can pull it off.

Originally Posted by GRUN-3

Start caring about your appearance, both in your hygiene and in your manners.

How? Means, boy, means are needed here. YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS THEM.

Imagine some way that you would like to look.

Now, obsess over attaining this impossible goal of your ideal, but do everything within your means to try to achieve it.

Uh, I don't know, make sure your nails are clean and also that you cross your legs while wearing a skirt. No one wants to see that thong.

Also burping is not ladylike.

Originally Posted by Fjordor

Imagine some way that you would like to look.

Now, obsess over attaining this impossible goal of your ideal, but do everything within your means to try to achieve it.

Wow. You certainly have a skewed opinion of females, don't you?

I have plenty of advice, really. And this is coming from a woman. But before I divuldge any useful information, I want to know what this is for. And I don't want to hear the "top secret" nonsense.

But first and foremost - it's all in the thinking. Women FEEL in a much more general way than men. They think a lot with their emotions, and you'd need to do the same. Women are sensitive and intuitive naturally - moreso than men. Once you can FEEL like a woman, you can THINK like a woman.

The rest comes naturally.

It's called exaggeration, Sass.
No need to jump down my throat or make false charges.

I don't really believe any of that, but it makes for a good chuckle.

It always depends on who you're trying to convince?

get one of those small bags and fill it up with makeup! ^_^ and a comb...
and yea, care about your appearance

Does no one see how surreal this is?

Do you really think you can look like a woman? I mean... hooow?

Besides... what for? What are you, a secret agent infiltrating Bin Laden's harem?:eyebrow:

This really doesn't make sense, and I would understand it's a joke... but why did you post it in The Quiet Place?

Just act like a man but take away reason and acountability.

step one: get your hands on a time machine, one of those machines featured in so many of those Honey I Shrunk The Kids movies/shows/whatever, and a pair of x-ray glasses fashioned in the shape of the comic book age 3D glasses so nobody will know what they're for. covert!!

step two: warp back to the time (perhaps a few minutes before), and more importantly, the place of your conception and use the shrinking machine to become the size of a grain of sand. possible smaller. whichever works for you.

step three: equip your x-ray glasses. they're not really x-ray glasses, more like magical sciencey glasses that nobody's heard of before because they're really covert and top secret, but they'll help you differenciate which sex chromosome is being carried by the oncoming sperm, so you can more easily succeed at step four.

step four: kick ass chuck norris style on any and all incoming sperm that carry the Y chromosome. this will then allow the sperm with an X chromosome make it to the egg and create a female you instead of a male.

step five: go about life as a female until needed for this top secret mission. nothing's more convincing as a female than a real female.

HAY GUYS HE'S A SPY =oooooooooo

(or, you know, a rookie police detective)

Seriously, though. Why are you not posting this on a cross-dressing or a transsexual website? I have certainly met queens that are way better at being a woman than I am. Ask someone who does it on a regular basis, they'd have better advice than we would.

Originally Posted by CetteHamsterLa

Just act like a man but take away reason and acountability.

love <3

He's afraid he'll end up on a future edition of the Weekend Web and be humiliated.

Well, you could watch Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire and see how they do it. See, certain people are required to play in a cross-dressing role as some kind of rite of passage in the movie world.

Quote:

/or fake being a different race

This was much easier in the 1950s and 1960s. John Wayne and the cast of Anna and the King managed to pull it off, but I contribute that to the fact that very few people had seen Thai and Mongols at the time. So, in conclusion, you'd have to be around people who have never been around women in order to pull this kind of stuff off successfully.

Watch the anime You're Under Arrest, and keep your eye on this character:
Aoi Futaba


'Cuz after all, anime is like real life.

Nobody's ever seen White Chicks?

That proves that men cannot look like women, even if hollywood is paying them to do so.

Originally Posted by J-Man

Nobody's ever seen White Chicks?

That proves that men cannot look like women, even if hollywood is paying them to do so.

No that proves that black men who do not have a physique resembling any woman cannot play a white woman. Though I highly doubt that the movie was doing cross gender/race in a serious manner.

I remember seeing something on the news about a woman who became a man for a book. I can't recall the name or the title of the book. Maybe someone else knows about it. It could be helpful in understanding what she did to become a man.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

But first and foremost - it's all in the thinking. Women FEEL in a much more general way than men. They think a lot with their emotions, and you'd need to do the same. Women are sensitive and intuitive naturally - moreso than men. Once you can FEEL like a woman, you can THINK like a woman.

What if he can FEEL a woman? Any closer that way?

Double Post:

Originally Posted by Umma

Does no one see how surreal this is?

Do you really think you can look like a woman? I mean... hooow?

Besides... what for? What are you, a secret agent infiltrating Bin Laden's harem?:eyebrow:

This really doesn't make sense, and I would understand it's a joke... but why did you post it in The Quiet Place?

Aren't you the confirmed racist?

Originally Posted by GRUN-3

Aren't you the confirmed racist?

Would *that* make this thread any less weird?