Sex. Before or after?

OK. So, you meet someone attractive. The two of you talk and become acquaintances. Due to good chemistry, the two of you become good friends. Eventually friendship turns into a relationship which of course, also brings into the picture, sex. At least that's how it's suppose to be according to...um...some people.

However, I have some friends that swear up and down that they've had relationships that started with a different order of events. Everything's the same in their case up to the acquaintance part. Rather than good chemistry induced friendship though, they got good chemistry induced sex instead, which led to friendship which then led to a relationship.

I guess it's possible for circumstances to unfold that way. But, my issue with the latter order of events is that you're basically applying emotional attachment to what can very easily be just a night of sex for the other person and nothing more. I suppose I just sort of think that it's a bit naive to believe that readily available sex can lead to a meaningful relationship. (Maybe that's a bit prudish and jaded of me. I dunno.)

So my question(s) to you guys is(err...are), do you think that just sex can lead to an actual and decent relationship? At what point did sex come into play in your current or past relationships? If the situation presented itself, would you engage in sexual activity with an attractive and potentially a great partner even though you don't really know much about them?

Sex factored in pretty quickly with my first girlfriend. I certainly was physically attracted to her, as she was to me. We've been going on for about a year and a half now. We certainly understand each other and have small quarells, but its nothing major. In answer to your last question, yeah I pretty much did with my current girlfriend.

I guess if you have sex with a lot of strangers, it's possible to find someone you're compatible with that way. It sounds more like it happens by accident, though.

I tend to agree with Monkey King on this one. I think it's possible, but not very likely. Especially since sex has a way of confusing things between people who don't have a very firm foundation in the first place. It's so easy to associate a person with sex instead of love if you're not careful.

I've known a few people who have started with just such a chance. My wife and I for example started with knowing each other (in school), sex, and then a long term relationship.

After, it is just what people should do, it shows how much you are willing to hold on to something that you can lose so easily with just anyone. I am surprised that people are just okay with having sex casually but then again, some people may just use it for pleasure than a sigh of love. Whatever makes you happy i guess. My opition still stays the same as; After.

My opinion would also be after, though I dunno how much mine counts as I have never had a girlfriend.

But yeah trying to generate a relationship off of one night is kinda hard if I am thinking correctly. I won't deny that it can happen because obviously your first response said it did, but i do agree with the others that it is rare.

Ehh, it's not like there's a sharp demarcation though. Suppose I chat up a girl in a bar for like 2 hours discover that we love each other, or maybe that's the booze talking, who cares? Point is, now we're in love, THEN we fuck. Did we do the relationship thing forwards or backwards? Where's the cut-off on how long we have to interact before we're not strangers?

It sounds like you, Nakl, are applying some sort of arbitrary standard by which you must get to know someone to a certain indeterminate degree before it is ok to have sex with them. Declaring a relationship to exist is just about as arbitrary.

I guess I'm arguing that for any given period of time, there's always going to be a differential smaller in which the same events could occur. Suppose we lock eyes, and that's all it takes. We attain some higher state of thought and directly perceive each other.

I'd say it's highly dependent upon the individual and their past experiences. Some people view sex as the epitomy of a serious relationship while others may think it's just a thing you do with someone else and it feels really good.

Originally Posted by Technophile

However, I have some friends that swear up and down that they've had relationships that started with a different order of events.

[...]

So my question(s) to you guys is(err...are), do you think that just sex can lead to an actual and decent relationship?

Look at your friends' relationships and judge for yourself.

Of course you can have a decent relationship if you fuck on the first date. What sort of question is this? Most people do not find each other repulsive after having sex, I don't understand why you would have a problem with this issue. from the sound of your post, you don't quite understand why you have this issue either.

Originally Posted by a lurker

Look at your friends' relationships and judge for yourself.

Of course you can have a decent relationship if you fuck on the first date. What sort of question is this? Most people do not find each other repulsive after having sex, I don't understand why you would have a problem with this issue. from the sound of your post, you don't quite understand why you have this issue either.

I guess you completely blacked out during the part where I said

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my issue with the latter order of events is that you're basically applying emotional attachment to what can very easily be just a night of sex for the other person and nothing more.

Originally Posted by Technophile

I guess you completely blacked out during the part where I said

my issue with the latter order of events is that you're basically applying emotional attachment to what can very easily be just a night of sex for the other person and nothing more.

not at all. You must've forgotten saying this:

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Rather than good chemistry induced friendship though, they got good chemistry induced sex instead, which led to friendship which then led to a relationship.

Which sounds about right to me. People don't stop developing relationships with someone once they have sex, and furthermore it's hella faulty to think the only interaction these two people have is sexual. They admit and you admit that they were friends before becoming an item; the only difference is that they are also fuckbuddies during the time. What's the disconnect here?

Originally Posted by Technophile

do you think that just sex can lead to an actual and decent relationship?

I believe it can if you have some sort of spirtual connection from it. As in, 2 souls combining and that whole deal.

Originally Posted by a lurker

not at all. You must've forgotten saying this:



Which sounds about right to me. People don't stop developing relationships with someone once they have sex, and furthermore it's hella faulty to think the only interaction these two people have is sexual. They admit and you admit that they were friends before becoming an item; the only difference is that they are also fuckbuddies during the time. What's the disconnect here?

The disconnect here is that not all relationships have clearly defined or drawn lines. For example, one person could genuinly have his or her heart in the relationship, while the other person just goes along for the ride just to get the sex till they get bored. Yeah, I suppose this can happen to anyone regardless of how things start out but, I'd imagine that the chances of such a thing occuring are a lot lower if both halves have put in the time to actually get to know eachother (platonicaly) first. I really don't think that a speedy and prompt friendship produced from sex can usually be a good basis for a relationship. Maybe I'm just too pessimistic.

Another thing. You previously made a comment about how most people don't find eachother replusive right after sex. That's true I guess. But once again, if all person-A wants is a sexual encounter and isn't interested in person-B's everything else, what will happen after the sex? Person-A will pretty much find no reason to hang around. (Till maybe in the future when the desire for round-2 comes back.) Now this is all well and fine. However, if person-B went into this hoping and expecting a full out relationship that's suppose to start from that one sexual encounter, then there's the problem!

Also, if you go this route you never know what the other person's sexual history is and what little, surprise gifts you may end up with.

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once again, if all person-A wants is a sexual encounter and isn't interested in person-B's everything else, what will happen after the sex? Person-A will pretty much find no reason to hang around. (Till maybe in the future when the desire for round-2 comes back.) Now this is all well and fine. However, if person-B went into this hoping and expecting a full out relationship that's suppose to start from that one sexual encounter, then there's the problem!

Then B is deluding himself by thinking there is a relationship there, and if he is bothered by this, should probably stop the encounters. I know you're trying to paint A as opportunistic, but B is the one who's making something out of nothing, here.

Do you feel that your friends are all B?

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Also, if you go this route you never know what the other person's sexual history is and what little, surprise gifts you may end up with.

B has no one to blame but himself if he doesn't use condoms.

Also letters of the alphabet should totally not be having sex. That's how we ended up with 'w'.

I mean really guys, what. ;(

I know it's possible for there to be a relationship after a couple people have had sex almost right after meeting each other, especially if they're both looking for the same thing. I have to agree with lurker on the part where, if one wants the relationship, and the other just wants the sex, there will be issues, but overall if things click so well that they screw on the first date, there is definitely the option there of a good relationship.

Personally I'm not into the whole sex at first sight thing, although had some circumstances been different a few months ago, I may have been in that situation. ;p So as much as I think it's possible, I still think it's a riskier maneuver(sp?) if you're looking for something long term.

Originally Posted by a lurker

Then B is deluding himself by thinking there is a relationship there, and if he is bothered by this, should probably stop the encounters. I know you're trying to paint A as opportunistic, but B is the one who's making something out of nothing, here.

Do you feel that your friends are all B?

I totally agree with you here in that B is at fault and just deluded provided that A makes it clear that sex is all he or she wants which isn't always the case. Two of my friends in this situation have semi-long term relationships where the other person is in town about 5 months outta the entire year, while my other friend's in a totally differen town with her b/f so I don't really have a clear grasp on the dynamics of their relationships.

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B has no one to blame but himself if he doesn't use condoms.

Except that condoms somtimes do tear and break. Yeah, I know, it's kind of unlikely to happen, so it's kind of a petty concern when condoms come in the picture, but it's still a little worrisome.

Look, the point is this: do you know people who have had successful relationships that started off differently than your ideal? IF so, then you have proven that your ideal is not the be-all. It doesn't matter how much scorn you have for sluts or for relationships that aren't marriage-bound.

And you can have breaking condoms and STDs in relationships started by your model. Do you think that people who only have sex in the confines of a relationship don't have sex with many partners - what I'm trying to say is, do you think every relationship is a several-year long affair? Or that a cock-hungry slut will be granted some primitive immunity from STDs by only sleeping with her men once they've had a few dates? I'm not sure where you're trying to go with that whole STD thing, other than Bad Things Happen To Bad People. That's extremely judgemental of you, when you admit that you don't know a whole lot about other kinds of relationships in the first place.

Originally Posted by a lurker

Look, the point is this: do you know people who have had successful relationships that started off differently than your ideal?

I know people yes. But, given the circumstances, I don't know much about how good or bad their relationships are. That's why I created the thread.

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And you can have breaking condoms and STDs in relationships started by your model.

Broken condoms yes. If both partners come into the relationship clean, and stay honest and monogamous though, then there's not much room for STDs.