No Talent in Consoling

I have a friend who often rings me up on the Yahoo Messenger. He resents himself and thinks that he has no right to live or be loved. What added fuel to the fire is that two weeks ago he was dumped. I told him to change the way he views himself, but he's too stubborn to change his mind.

Anyways, the problem is I don't really know what to say when he talked to me. But if I just let him go typing without any message from me he'd think that I was not listening. Yet I really don't know how to console him or give him a constructive suggestion, because we two have pretty much the same problem. I hate myself, too.

So please guide me on what I can say when confronting with people that have the same problems with me. Please don't suggest me to sink down into the bottoms of endless self-hatred with him, because he is a person who's already very close to suicide. I'm trying really hard to be bright when talking to him.

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Quote:

we two have pretty much the same problem

There's truth in the old saying 'misery loves company'; people like to be reminded that the pain that they are going through isn't being dealt out to just them. There are others who are going through the same experiences.


As far as what to say, just telling him to 'cheer up' or being artificially bright probably won't accomplish much. If he's a bright guy, he'll catch on to that instantly and I might make him feel worse for not being able to cheer up or see the brighter side.

Life really does suck sometimes. It gets really, really shitty. The way to get through it isn't by looking on the bright side of things or by 'cheering up'. The way is to realize the impermanence of things. Things change. They always have and always will, and nothing stays the same. Your youth, your money, your car, your hair, your girlfriend, your job, the happy moments, and the sad moments are all changing things in our lives. They come and they pass. When things get really bad, you remember that this , too, shall pass.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Let me first say I know all too well how you feel.

Secondly, you probably aren't the best person for supporting your friend, given your feelings on his and your own situation. I commend you for trying, but as ElectricSheep said it probably won't (and probably isn't) help your friend much.

One thing I think I've found is that when people come to you like that, they usually want pity, attention, and even justification for their position. While that might help them feel better for that moment, it does little in the grand scheme of things. What would really help is honestly assessing the situation and learning how to deal with it. Criticism can be a good thing if it comes from the right place.

Finally, if you really feel that your friend is suicidal please get him some help. That might be difficult given the online status of your relationship, but if that's really the case it can be the best thing you can do for him at this point.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I know it's very difficult to cheer others up when you're feeling the same way, but most of the time people just want to know that someone is listening and that they matter. It doesn't work all the time, but basically being able to rant to someone--no matter how many times you rant about the same problem--allows them to feel better about themselves. Even though there are few people with that kind of patience.

There are some things you can try. For example, you can use the line of how your friend has a purpose b/c he/she is still alive. Maybe list some of the good things about him. However, just listening to them and letting them know that their problems are not insignificant should help. If it gets any worse, then he may need to visit a psychologist.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Just tell um you're in the same boat. And yes, keep reassuring them of that fact, because I remember when I had that kind of problem and my friends kinda just ignored me after a while or came out and said stop complaining about it already.

So ya just letting them know that you ARE listening and do think the same way will make the other person feel better.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Cobra Commander

I remember when I had that kind of problem and my friends kinda just ignored me after a while or came out and said stop complaining about it already.

So ya just letting them know that you ARE listening and do think the same way will make the other person feel better.

Amen! I had a similar problem with that and lost the majority of my college (and on-line) buddies b/c they got sick of me repeating the problem even though I didn't think they were listening. Then again, the college buddies had their problems such as "Should I go to Mass or Baptist worship service?" or "Should I dump him or not b/c my friends don't like his hair?"

Amen, Commander.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Be sure that you don't abandon him, support him all you can. Hang out with him a lot, do stuff with him to distract him from the stuff that depresses him. If he starts getting really suicidal, be sure to make a lot of future plans with him (like we are going to go to see a movie & 10:00pm tomorrow, etc), and try to get him to see a therapist ASAP.

FELIPE NO

I'm actually in the same situation. This guy seriously lacks a sense of self-worth and sometimes it gets really irritating because he's so damn stubborn. He complains about how he's deathly afraid of people but hates being alone. I suggest small steps to overcome his fear of physical interaction but he quickly dismisses it with his convoluted logic and doesn't even try. The fact that he's so dependant on other people to feel happy leaves me feeling uneasy.

Anyway, I tend to use what little knowledge I've retained from my psychology and sociology classes to help him gain a certain perspective on his situation. I went through the same thing myself so I also remind him that I do know what he's going through. Advice comes with experience and I’m not experienced enough to offer advice. The most you can do is listen to him. I promised myself that I'd stick with it because I want to help him out, regardless of the frustration his self-hate causes me.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Personally I always found giving advice really contrived in these sort of situations. The biggest thing to do is listen, it does a world of good simply to let him know you're always there for him and will listen to his troubles. Going Dr. Phill and telling them what they could possibly do to solve their issues isn't the answer because in this sort of situations, it can't really come from an outside source. "Snap out of it" "It's not as bad as it seems" "Don't be sad", it's like water off a duck's back, the change for these things come from inside that person.

It's probably helping him (and you) to just talk it out and be comforted in the fact that he has a good friend that he can say this stuff to. Not everyone is as fortunate and you're probably helping him more than you (or even he) realizes. Just words of acknowledgement and encouragement that you're here and listening should be enough.

Good luck to you and him. Hope everything works out.

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Agreed with Kat: listening is the best you can do. Appear interested if it's not coming naturally to you. For instance, asking questions that show you're listening and thinking about what's being said, bringing up similar experiences that you've gone through, and even sometimes distracting them by going out and doing something fun with them if they're game enough. Ultimately, he's going to have to figure stuff out by himself, and the best you can do is give him support until he does. But if he ever mentions feeling suicidal, that's when you should get professional assistance, and immediately. Well, not mid-conversation, but you know. Soonish. That's a costly lesson that I'd rather have learnt otherwise, so don't make the same mistake I did...

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Thanks to all your replies! After looking through all your advices, I decided to stick to what I was doing and the only thing I could do best - just listen. I'm not good at advice-offering, anyways. I just remained patient and let him know that even when he thinks that the world had turned its back on him, I'd still be here for him. I can't solve his troubles but only be there when he needed me.
And I was amazed at how it worked! He complimented me very considerate and caring. Yet he still can't get over that suicide stuff. Whenever we talk about it he sounded like "it can't be changed" or "it's none of your business." He had been considering suicide for around 4 years, and thinks it's not something that a person who had only been talking to him for a year can change about. He told me the reason that he intended to suicide was that he couldn't stand a jerk like himself to live and stain the world! Anyways, his main reason for suicide was not focused on the girl who dumped him but himself. From his tone, I don't think the suicide is going to happen soon. I think he's waiting for after college or work. However, he often said things concerning death and suicide.
I told our school counselor about this, and she told me if there's any sign that he is serious, she can contact his homeroom teacher to talk to him. The problem is he doesn't believe in adults. His family had always abandoned him. He obeys adults, but not in heart confide in them. So I don't know who to turn him into when things get serious. Also, I'm a little afraid that he'd think that I betrayed him by telling away his secret to an adult....

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.