Round 1: A Long Overdue Holiday

Originally Posted by Dekoa

What does this phrase make you think of? Does it make you feel ill? or perhaps it makes you feel like a friend has betrayed you.

Well one of the things about this paper is that it is up to you. Yeah it's up to you. Basically you just need to stick to this theme.

Do I have to include this as my title? Only if you want to.

Do I have to use these words at one point during the paper? I don't know.

If I haven't said anything about it, then you can assume that it's up to you.

The paper will be due on Sunday March 5th at 11:59 PM EST. You need to send it at the E-mail at the bottom. May you write like a God (or maybe like Poe!).

WHEEE, TWO THIS TIME!!!! LEt's Give a round of applause to the last bit eh??

Alice (A) = Strawberry May
Dekoa (B) = Tragedy in Space

Originally Posted by Zergrinch

Congratulations, Alice!* (I know you're Elka, but who's Grigg?)

* So.... did I guess the author correctly?

:P I lost.

Definitely went with author A's story. Writing is flawless and easy to read, reminded me very much of Anita Brookner. Honestly, the only critique I can make is that you didn't indent the first line of each paragraph.

The ending of Author A's story was somewhat abrupt, though not unexpected. I would have liked to have seen it fleshed out a little more, but other than that, it's the best piece I've read in the contest so far.

Honestly, I started reading Author B's work, but after the first few paragraphs, I realized it didn't even compare with the first story, and I just gave up. There was too much focus on dialogue without getting to know any of the characters, and some of the minor grammatical errors were distracting.

Author: Some of the words used by the character (Or more accurately, the dialect and slang) seemed out of place with the tone you had created at the beginning of the story. There also seemed to be contradictions as well. You mentioned that

Quote:

. Another woman may have been furious at this, may have even refused to go, but not May. This was simply how things were done

where a few lines down you proclaim

Quote:

She knew that she would be accompanying her husband to Italy whether she wanted to or not, so why make a fuss over the fact that he hadn’t asked for her input? Most people would be thrilled at the chance to travel to Italy, so why shouldn’t she be happy about it?

The attitude implied was that she was more 'might as well', giving up from lack of choice, rather then as stated earlier, as being something that was naturally done. If it had been naturally done, I would have expected her attitude to be, well, more neutral or perhaps expectant, rather then the implied melancholy.

Right before getting into the main story of the Hike, there was a sub-plot of her physical looks and weight which oddly was not developed upon, nor mentioned again for the duration of the story, which I felt weakened the transition between 'We're going on a trip' and 'We're Hiking!'.

However! Despite my criticisms of this piece, do not consider yourself a bad writer. You have the potential for a much greater level of writing and I was really captivated by the descriptive imagery that your story brought. Overall, the captivation of Pietro to May was believable and in hindsight it was a good way to wrap things up with. The ending was seemingly out of place, but I chalk this up to the word count issue, rather then lack of inspiration. This isn't a story I normally read, but I enjoyed it, even with some of the continuity being thin.

Author B: You're clearly a fan of science fiction and it shows. Opening a scene with characters talking is hard to do in writing (Much earlier on film or other visual mediums), so its unsuprising I was a bit confused as to who was talking and what was going on. The whole story was VERY Star-Trek inspired and this did hurt you, as I felt I was almost reading a fanfiction about the series, only with 'names changed to protect the innocent' or something like that. Getting further along into the story, I was having trouble paying attention, as the dialouge felt forced, and unnatural. The ending was ... well it wasn't much.

Author A gets my vote.

Author A:

You did a great job of portraying an abusive relationship. I noticed that you wove in a lot of those little, telling signs, like Richard's insecurity, and his constant putting down of May. Very nice.

Author B:

Please watch your grammar and word usage, as others have said. Also, there's nothing wrong with liking sci-fi, (I read tons of sci-fi), but you would do well to avoid the well-worn cliches, or at least do something more interesting with them.

VOTE: Strawberry May

Author A: Strawberry May A very solid piece as far as mechanics are concerned. A few intrusions of a somewhat odd "we" are the only chinks in an otherwise technically impressive tale. I would say, though that there are a few moments of descriptive overkill, for instance when the narrator tells us why May is annoyed by her husband's boorish manner of speaking--I think that it would be just as effective to let the reader come to that conclusion themselves (the husband is, after all, wel-written and his boorishness is inherent in his dialogue).

The tale very effectively develops May and the others, mixing fine dialogue and motion with some great descriptions and imagery. As a reader, I was completely on May's side from square one, and that's important. I will say that I was disappointed by the ending; it seemed very abrupt in comparison to the languid pace of the story, and the sudden coming together of May and Pietro, while suggested earlier, seemed very speedy. It also wasn't entirely clear if they were entering the falls from the precipice or the base. Still, despite these quibbles, I felt it a fine tale with a lot of promise and artistry.

Author B: Tragedy in Space Despite the fact that altogether too much of my own writing is in that very genre, I've always felt that sci-fi is very difficult to do in short form. You have to introduce a new world, its rules and limitations, all while developing characters and plot. It's very easy to neglect one of those elements, or fall back on genre stereotypes.

Mechanically, I think that the story needed another draft, or at least additional editing. Nothing pulls readers out of a tale like misspellings or other mechanical errors, and being thus distracted can be devastating for sci-fi.

As for the characters and situations, I wasn't invested enough in anyone to care how they felt or who they lost. Death as catharsis is very tricky; unless you care about the dead, or the survivors (or, ideally, both), it doesn't register. The presence of the aliens seems more like a plot coupon than anything else; they're there because someone needs to kill.

Author A, whose identity I think I have guessed, presented a lovely tale that, while it has small flaws, has the potential to be even more powerful with further revision. Author B took on a more difficult task, admittedly, but failed to make much of an impact. There's potential, to be sure, but it will remain untapped until B can tell me why I should care about Mark's death or Larissa's attachment to him. My vote, therefore, is for Author A and "Strawberry May."

Author A: Strawberry May

Wow, this was another unexpectedly good story in this competition. The writing more often than not was really effortless to read; the sentence structure and word choice made everything flow very nicely. At one point I was reading but not paying attention (which often happens when I'm distracted by something and I have to go back and re-read the paragraph) and I was reading the words but not necessarily paying attention. When I realized I was doing this it seemed to me the words I was reading, just how they were combined was very pleasing. I can't really explain that in any sort of meaningful rational way, it's just an observation.
The abrupt ending sort of upset me. This was honestly probably the only story so far that when I reached near the end (and anticipated the ending) I was disappointed because I really wanted to read more. It seems as if it was longer and things were edited out for the length requirement. Furthermore, May was my favorite of any character so far in any story. There was a genuine feel of human entrapment and awkwardness that I relate to heavily. The character spoke to me so much I had to actually go back and check if it was in first person because it felt like I knew the character pretty well by the end. I like Mr. Casual and Collision for different reasons than I like this story but this story seemed to reach out to me on a more personal level. I don't have much to say about this critically other than I'm disappointed there wasn't more.

Originally Posted by Dark Nation

Right before getting into the main story of the Hike, there was a sub-plot of her physical looks and weight which oddly was not developed upon, nor mentioned again for the duration of the story, which I felt weakened the transition between 'We're going on a trip' and 'We're Hiking!'...

This isn't really a subplot: it's characterization that introduces/reinforces May's insecurities and potential feelings of entrapment. The transition works here through the character exchanges. May feels good about herself after all the work she goes through and is slammed down once again by (her terribly insensitive) husband - "Richard had asked her why she was all done up like a whore..." The husband is absentminded and to him this is a funny comment/observation in passing. However it not only begins to throw May's mood back into the gutter, it signifies dashing her hopes for the proverbial "new beginning", which could almost go back to May trying to change herself (her appearance/weight) to to begin again (the "maybe it's me?" idea). The plot isn't so basically where are we/what happens. It has much more to do with the character interaction, making this moment sort of integral.


Author B: Tragedy in Space

I just knew I wasn't going to like this when I read the title. It immediately reminded me of every horror movie franchise in space and that is never a good thing. This story was riddled with typos, tense problems and all around simplification of a technical subject. Ever read the Halo novels? Eric Nylund has a masters degree in chemistry (and I believe) engineering. He knows what he's dealing with. When you reduce the technicalities of a futuristic ship to "the weapons guy sets up the missles and proton cannons (can you explain what a proton cannon does? Is it nullified by an electron shield? Does it ionize a spacecraft?) and the computer guy fixes the main computer (can a futuristic ship really run with no main computer?)." To sound even passable in these kinds of stories it needs to be chocked with technical knowledge and jargon. If not, it has to be character driven and intentionally distract the reader from the fact that there is no technicality in the story. The dialogue seems childish/immature sometimes. When you write dialogue ALL PANGALIN STYLE SO THAT IT IS REALLY LOUD AND USING MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS AND EXTRA LETTERS IT SEEMS REALLY LAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!!!!
I thought it would be an average story until I hit one piece of dialogue.

"I’m going to break off this communication now, and I hope that you are good at either running or defending. This is because I will kill you all now.”

Are earthlings really that dumb.

Spoiler:

Originally Posted by Megalith

Confirmed.

-Earth

I don't generally like futuristic SPACE BATTLE SCI-FI all that much (exception Halo (games and books) and Gears of War both for X-Box and both written mostly by Eric Nylund. Coincidence? I think not). Either way, the story didn't really reach out to me anyway. I'm not really sure who the characters were in the end nor do I feel for their plight in any way. Halo is this kind of story done right. That's pretty much that.

Quote:

A teardrop fell to the floor and splashed like it was hope dashed among rocks.

This analogy is a simile and in this case you try to give the tear drop the properties of hope. Hope is not physical. It does not splash. It does not splash on rocks. I am reminded of a journal entry (I think tanisari) where they were annoyed about a fellow student's arbitrary use of language (I think the example was "the laws of physics meant nothing to him" and the writer of the journal thought it was dumb and gave the example of a "circular square" to exemplify the non-effective use of words. I think what you meant here is that her teardrop splashed like water on a rock, which gives you tie in to hope per se but makes sense.


Overall, I would give Strawberry May ten votes if I could.

Originally Posted by Servilonus

This isn't really a subplot: it's characterization that introduces/reinforces May's insecurities and potential feelings of entrapment. The transition works here through the character exchanges. May feels good about herself after all the work she goes through and is slammed down once again by (her terribly insensitive) husband - "Richard had asked her why she was all done up like a whore..." The husband is absentminded and to him this is a funny comment/observation in passing. However it not only begins to throw May's mood back into the gutter, it signifies dashing her hopes for the proverbial "new beginning", which could almost go back to May trying to change herself (her appearance/weight) to to begin again (the "maybe it's me?" idea). The plot isn't so basically where are we/what happens. It has much more to do with the character interaction, making this moment sort of integral.

I may have been overly critical towards the story, as its not the normal kind of story I would read, but you make a good argument. So you're saying that its not so much as her weight being an issue to be brought up again, as more of a dynamic to establish character traits which define their relationship in small ways (Which have big implications later on as we see). I suppose I didn't approach that section from the perspective you gave.

Strawberry May: I enjoyed this piece of work. This story did a concise job of describing the main character's personality. The implied inferiority complex was very well done when she mentally punished herself (giving herself harsh names) for getting ideas that she was afraid her husband wouldn't approve of.

Tragedy in Space: This story was going too fast. Between the grammatical errors and the inconsistent time skips, I could barely even find out what was going on. Also, Servilonus pretty much summed up my feelings on the one line that's been bothering me the most throughout the story.

Originally Posted by Servilonus

"I’m going to break off this communication now, and I hope that you are good at either running or defending. This is because I will kill you all now.”

Are earthlings really that dumb.

Author A gets my vote.

For some reason, I get the feeling Author A is more than just writing from a perspective of a woman, but IS a woman as well. (Metadata however has someone named "Grigg" who works for GE Capital, and it doesn't sound female.) Incidentally, I would prefer the initial title of "Villaggio Via Cascata" than "Strawberry May".

I agree that this hopeful-romance tale (though only infused in the last paragraph) is a pretty good insight into an abusive relationship. Emotionally battered May has just about given up on assertiveness, and is nothing more than a meek puppy to Richard. I can only hope that she finds a good life with Pietro in Villagio Via Cascata.

My only criticism? You're over the limit by 32 words

_____________


Tragedy in Space. Wassup, Curt, of Western Carolina University? Too much dialogue here, mate, and it doesn't feel genuine. For instance, would you ever hear "We are the Talarians. We demand to know why your ship has violated our borders. From our initial scans, your ship seems to be a warship. Explain!" in a military communication?

Choice of words could be strengthened. You receive transmissions from a specific hailing frequency, instead of receiving the frequency from the hailer. I felt you liberally used cliches such as "port bow", "hailing frequency", "shields up", and "smithereens". (You like Starcraft Battlecruisers and Star Wars, don't you? )

The use of "Next Week" and "Ten Days Later" prompts detract from the story. It feels like a comic book or a play. This piece could also use some proofreading. Or spellchecking for that matter. A cursory spellcheck with Word could catch the more glaring errors, such as "captians", "Missles", and "lightyears".

Species = Talarians, adjective = Talarian, planet = Talaria, right? So, what is "Taria"? (Be internally consistent) Incidentally, I wouldn't describe a ship coming from Earth as "Earthian", but eh, up to you.

"Velocity" does not equal "speed". Granted, it doesn't detract from the story, really, if you specify a velocity of 6 LiquidSnacks, but I'm in a nitpicking mood

Finally, it seems the prompt was nothing more than an afterthought to the tale, while the first story made it a central point. There was an attempt to show emotion here, but I don't feel it. I don't know who Mark and Larissa are, and I don't particularly symphathize with Larissa's loss.

_____________


Vote goes to Author A

You're big on delving into that metadata, aren't you Zergrinch? I hope you don't have identity theft in mind

Though, I must say I have a pretty good idea who the authors of these two pieces are, that's not how I roll. Rest assured I read the stories, and rate them on their merits. I don't care if its JK Rowling writing against Joe Schmoe. If Joe has the story that appeals more to me, he's getting my vote.

________

Hr hr, identity theft. Don't worry! Your snowbound identity is safe with me, Mr. Watson! I'm not about to go to Kalamazoo anytime soon! ^.^

Author A's story really drew me in from the beginning. The characters were real, the interactions and thought processes and dialogue were astoundingly accurate and true to life, even the parts that don't make sense to the reader came off as not making sense to the character, either. I've seen abusive relationships in action and it's not always that strong, but sometimes it gets to that point and you illustrated it all very well. Some of it seemed a bit surreal at times, with the legend about the waterfall and everything, but there are legends like that out there and so it doesn't detract from the story at all. I don't really have any gripe with it at all, other than minor structure and grammar issues, and some borderline issues with tense usage. Very good. If you're a man, your portrayal of a woman's thoughts and feelings were SPOT ON. I know that's funny coming from another guy, but I wrote several stories in high school from a woman's perspective and my creative writing teacher (who was a woman) always applauded me on how well I connected with the female psyche when writing. If you're a woman, which I have almost no doubt you are (yeah, I know exactly who you are) I still give you props for how well-written it was.

Author B, the story was all right, but riddled with cliches and extremely forced, uncomfortable, and awkward dialogue and wording, which got in the way of the emotion of the story a LOT - and that's aside from the grammatical and punctuation errors. I think with a lot of effort, you could have turned it into something good, but I just wasn't feeling it, even after reading it a couple of times. The Vader "NOOO!!" was especially hilarious.

My vote goes to Author A, and not at all because of who it is, but because the story, as everyone else has said, is superior.

I thought I took care of all the Meta data! Where did you find it Zergrinch?

File -> Document Properties, I assume. (I'm using Microsoft Office 2007, and don't have earlier versions ready to double-check).



There's no way to strip out the metadata in "Statistics", so you are going to have to re-save each submission in order to conceal everything.

Edit: http://support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?kbid=834427