Round 2: Pair 1

Originally Posted by me

"And it was only one (Object that you choose)"

Use this as your title after you've chosen your object.

Well i hoped this wouldn't happen at this stage in the event, but i'm afraid we have a no show. I have not received a story from Admiral Amara as of right now, the day after it was due.

So this means that Acro-nym will be advancing to the Quarter Finals.

Ah, I'm pretty disappointed about a non-entry from Amara. I was really looking forward to his.

But since all we have is this one, I will say my piece on it.

This is definitely a big improvement since the last story, by far. This is more of an instance where I wasn't overly impressed by the writing per se, but I enjoyed the basis of the story well enough to create my own visuals. This reads to me like a kind of summer blockbuster type film if expounded upon, the whole tension/thriller/time travel story.

Some things in the story I would have liked to seen incorporated would be the imp explaining to Floyd the properties of time instead of just glossing over it and perhaps a bit more technical info. What happened in the ending I didn't completely understand but I was able to accept it without being overly curious. Some parts where Floyd talks to himself seem odd, due to him saying overly obvious thoughts and observations to himself. Some of it would have come across better as purely narrative. Overall, just compared to your previous entry, this was a pretty good effort.

Good lord, Acro got two byes in a row. On the one hand, what luck! But on the other, it must be sort of disappointing, since byes aren't what WotW is all about.

Mechanically, the story is pretty sound, and I think your writing is more polished this time around (not that it was bad before, mind you). Still, there are some places that could be smoothed over through revision. For example, take the phrase "The gun did what many would describe as exploding in his hand." Aside from the fact that the protagonist seems to have little trouble using his hand later in the story, this is indicative of the wordiness the tale is saddled with in some places. Why would anyone describe the event as anything other than the gun exploding in his hand? Better to just say "the gun exploded in his hand" or describe the explosion.

As far as the plot is concerned, I'll start by reiterating what I said earlier, that sci-fi is a tough genre to make work in the short-short format. High-concept sci-fi tends to be much bigger than 2500 words; in this case, it means that you have to use large swaths of narration and exposition, from both the protagonist and the imp, to make the story clear. The core idea--that of people attempting to alter the flow of time becoming its guardians--is intriguing, but there's work to be done before the it can be at its most compelling in the short form.

For instance, there's a lot of narrative fat that could be trimmed by eliminating the part where the protagonist describes his machine to Pam. A few quick flashes to that scene, inserted into the main narrative, would provide the necessary bits. I'd say the same thing about the imp--his speech can be cut down. After all, I think most readers would be able to get the jist of his duties without so much handholding.

Still, I think that the tale feels complete, and I like the framing device. Another draft or two could streamline the story into something even more impressive. [/teacher mode]

Luck? I think it would only be considered luck if Mr. Acro-nym knew of the bye beforehand, and didn't take his time to write up the story! (You're getting a round 2 bye, BTW orion_mk3.)

I kid.

On with my critique, which is not organized and goes all over the place.

______________

Well well, a science-fiction time-travel story. Can't say I'm a fan of those, because the time travel lends itself to very intricate paradoxes without the benefit of multiple dimensions or universes. Still, I detect no blatant paradoxes. No event to prevent said protagonist from ever venturing back to the past in the first place. On that dimension, your tale is strong.

I did a cursory search on Napoleon's hometown. It was correct. In other words, sound history! However, if he's over 9 years old, then, kaput. Fortunately, you never mentioned his age

Some things do sound contrived. If I were having dinner, I doubt I'll be bringing my own musket there!

I feel that the dialogue could use some improvement. It sounds stilted and unnatural. It's not really what I would use in an everyday setting. I am party to that failing as well, so I may be more sensitive than most on this!

I detect some minor misspellings, which were not readily detectable with spellcheck. We tend to get fatigued when proofreading our own work. My only recommendation is to complete it ahead of time, and don't think about it for a day or so. Some of them are errors that will not flow off the tongue easily when read, and are thus easily caught.

• “Who are you? How do you get in from of me so fast? And how do you know my name?
• ”Because things didn't happen that way. You're gun isn't fully damaged; you could try again.
• After a few hours of looking, none of the men could find the mysterious shooter, though the did find his hat.

By the way, you mentioned a wig. But not a hat!

I get bye? Again?! I got two byes last year...

Onto the comments.

Originally Posted by Servilonus

Some things in the story I would have liked to seen incorporated would be the imp explaining to Floyd the properties of time instead of just glossing over it and perhaps a bit more technical info.

There were two reasons for this. First, the reader doesn't need to know how time works in order to understand the story. Second, and more importantly, there was the word limit. I doubt I could've done an adequate job of describing all the stuff said using just under a hundred words.

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Some parts where Floyd talks to himself seem odd, due to him saying overly obvious thoughts and observations to himself. Some of it would have come across better as purely narrative.

I was trying to write third-person objective, which stopped me from using narrative to express his thoughts. (Maybe I need more skill in that regard.) Also, though, some people, especially when alone, do a fair amount of talking to themselves. Just think of it as a (undeclared) trait of his character.

Originally Posted by orion_mk3

For example, take the phrase "The gun did what many would describe as exploding in his hand." Aside from the fact that the protagonist seems to have little trouble using his hand later in the story, this is indicative of the wordiness the tale is saddles with in some places. Why would anyone describe the event as anything other than the gun exploding in his hand? Better to just say "the gun exploded in his hand" or describe the explosion.

Although I did state that he injured his hands, he had several hours for them to recover. Since the explosion wasn't enough to destroy the gun, it shouldn't have been enough to hurt his hands to the point he wouldn't be able to use them later. As for the phrasing, it was my way of saying that it wasn't really an explosion (hence why the gun was still usable), but many might describe it as such.

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As far as the plot is concerned, I'll start by reiterating what I said earlier, that sci-fi is a tough genre to make work in the short-short format. High-concept sci-fi tends to be much bigger than 2500 words; in this case, it means that you have to use large swaths of narration and exposition, from both the protagonist and the imp, to make the story clear. The core idea--that of people attempting to alter the flow of time becoming its guardians--is intriguing, but there's work to be done before the it can be at its most compelling in the short form.

I never say that explicitly that time travelers become time guardians. But that's the sort of thing I wanted to accomplish. Readers can interpret some things their own way. I'm aware that there's more to be done with this concept, that the story could be improved with more length and more time, and maybe I will try to do that in the future.

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For instance, there's a lot of narrative fat that could be trimmed by eliminating the part where the protagonist describes his machine to Pam. A few quick flashes to that scene, inserted into the main narrative, would provide the necessary bits.

I like to write things from start to finish, without delving into flashbacks or jumps in time that might confuse the reader. I don't think intermixing that scene into the rest of the story would have worked as well, considering that it might have made the story less focused.

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I'd say the same thing about the imp--his speech can be cut down. After all, I think most readers would be able to get the jist of his duties without so much handholding.

Perhaps most readers can. What about the rest? That's where the "handholding" comes in.

Originally Posted by Zergrinch

Luck? I think it would only be considered luck if Mr. Acro-nym knew of the bye beforehand, and didn't take his time to write up the story!

But if I did that, I'd just lose.

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Well well, a science-fiction time-travel story. Can't say I'm a fan of those, because the time travel lends itself to very intricate paradoxes without the benefit of multiple dimensions or universes. Still, I detect no blatant paradoxes. No event to prevent said protagonist from ever venturing back to the past in the first place. On that dimension, your tale is strong.

I feel that I adequately describe that there can be no paradoxes before such a thing might occur. Therefore, you probably shouldn't have looking for one. I'm glad you didn't find any.

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I did a cursory search on Napoleon's hometown. It was correct. In other words, sound history! However, if he's over 9 years old, then, kaput. Fortunately, you never mentioned his age

If I were doing this story to be sold, I probably would've consulted an expert or historian. Given the time constraints and the lack of focus on Napoleon himself. I thought I could do just fine with some basics. I actual hit a slight stumbling block when I find out that the grotto and the house were not in the same place. I do describe him as Napoleon "Buonaparte" and as a boy, implying that this is before he leaves for military school.

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Some things do sound contrived. If I were having dinner, I doubt I'll be bringing my own musket there!

If told without third-person objective, I might've been able to tell you why he brought a musket. I'll let you make up his part of the story.

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I feel that the dialogue could use some improvement. It sounds stilted and unnatural. It's not really what I would use in an everyday setting. I am party to that failing as well, so I may be more sensitive than most on this!

You could always chalk up unnatural dialogue to the fact that those talking are unnatural (one being from outside of time, the other from the future). However, I would like it better if the dialogue could flow and/or not become distracting to those as sensitive to is as yourself.

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I detect some minor misspellings, which were not readily detectable with spellcheck. We tend to get fatigued when proofreading our own work. My only recommendation is to complete it ahead of time, and don't think about it for a day or so. Some of them are errors that will not flow off the tongue easily when read, and are thus easily caught.

By the way, you mentioned a wig. But not a hat!

I had someone designated to proofread it, but they never did. As for the wig/hat thing, I originally thought he should wear a wig and a hat, given the era. Then I thought him wearing a hat might make him look too militaristic and wrote it out. I must have forgotten that by the time I was done.

Thanks for the kind words I did not comment on (such as it being a better story than last time). I still wish you had something to compare it against, though.

Originally Posted by Acro-nym

But if I did that, I'd just lose.

Ahem.

I mean, you could just write any old story and still pass through, since it's automatic n' stuff!