Round 2: Pair 2

Originally Posted by me

"The Server was Down"

Use this as your theme.

I haven't read the stories yet, but i'm glad to see both entries come in.

Vote away.

Hm.


I'm not sure which way I'll vote as of right now.

Interesting both authors (metadata revealing who they are ftl, but anyway) interpreted "server" as a literal human server (although author A mentions the server in the sense of computers in the story but the server as a human is more relevant to the theme).

Author A's Sav Me:

I liked this story for the most part. I had trouble not imagining Eric as Robin Williams at first, as he works in a "SavMart" in the movie One Hour Photo. Is it a real store as well? I work in retail, and sometimes specifically in electronics. I actually know a lot about the stock there, except for phones (cell and grounded/wireless phones). I've actually dealt with the issue of Ghz before. I said something very similar to what Jim said to the customer. I don't know if that's what it actually pertains to or not, really. Also, I worked with a guy named Jim who's a lot like the Jim in your story. My experience in retail made the whole situation pretty easy to imagine. I've dealt with many a similar situation and it was easy to picture the store.

I wasn't overly fond of the ending (it was nothing special but the clear conclusion for the story of this type) but I was glad Eric got a kick in the ass from that old man. I've felt very similar about customers in retail - all morons and such until you meet someone like that and are reminded there are real people who shop as well. I wasn't overly impressed by the story or writing (though if metadata is correct, I like it much better than your entry last round) but it was an alright story nonetheless. I did enjoy the "subtext" parts however.


Author B's A Favor Squared

So Author A had a man in retail (my second job) and you had a man in fast food (my first job). Interesting. I can relate to the view of customers in both of these stories.

Interesting choice to write it as a poem, especially as a series of Shakespearian sonnets. Sticking to iambic pentameter always seemed like quite an arduous task to me.

Wow, I didn't even get the squared part until now. Is it referencing the style of the poem because there are 14 14-lined stanzas, thus 14x14, or 14sqaured?

What was written itself in the poem didn't particularly grasp me either. Both stories seem to oddly enough deal with very similar concepts despite the loose interpretation possible from the prompt and the different formats used: the struggle of a boy in middle class America/Canada/wherever. These concepts are quite common and not really of the highest of interest to me. I always seem to write characters older than myself. I guess I can never imagine a character as mature as I'd like from people my age. Both, again, seem to have that ending of the moment of the character's life where they take a turn in the opposite direction for the better or whatnot.


After thinking more about both stories I am still at quite a standstill. I like Author A's story more, but I think Author B's entry has more merit in the sheer effort of composing a gigantic poem out of 14 back to back Shakespearian sonnets. In the last round I made some impulsive votes that I didn't agree with a few days later so as of right now I am going to reserve my vote until I perhaps get some other perspective on the story, or hear from the authors or see how the voting goes.

Interesting. One would think the logical interpretation of a server being down would have absolutely nothing to do with a person being depressed. But hey, coincidences happen.

Like Servilonus, I think both entries stack up very closely to each other. One submission has more character development and more natural dialogue, the second an ambitious experiment of 14x14 Shakespearean sonnets in iambic pentameter verse.

Ironic that the GFF server went down twice, shortly before and after this prompt!

Vote withheld for now.

Hmmmmm.

Author A: Having worked retail before, I sympathized with the desire to screw with the heads of customers. I wouldn't call the story riveting but it was friendly and human. Of particular note were the nice descriptions of the store's sterile environment and the subtle nuances of the typical "unpretty" customers who entered. For me, the best feature was the dialogue, which flowed as would true conversation. Though none of the characters were deeply developed, they still felt natural.

Author B: I'll be honest, I didn't care for this piece. I tried to wrap my head around the meter, but it only served to distract me from the actual events within. I found it difficult to read because of this and after a few stanzas, I considered giving up.

I feel that one of the key elements of writing is knowing one's audience. Writing for a niche demographic is fine, but this isn't one of those times. I'd wager there are precious few people on Gamingforce with a deep appreciation for iambic pentameter; prose like this may be wasted on most. Offering up highly unorthodox work like this comes off as a bit indulgent, if not pretentious.

If the prompt challenge had been to use poetry, or find an alternative method of telling a story, I could've lived with Shakespearean rhyme. But given the story it was trying to tell, I felt like the meter was nothing but an annoyance, a superfluous varnish that lent very little to the story itself. You may still win out of sheer pluck; you obviously set a high bar for yourself. But should you make it through to the next round, I'd encourage you to stick by the more traditional methods of storytelling, if but for the sake of your readers.

My vote goes to Author A.

NOTICE:

This poll has closed while GFF was offline. Please vote in the new thread located here