Round 2: The server was down

OK, I'm going to stagger the entries again, As well as give if 5 days to vote. LET'S GO!

Originally Posted by Prompt

The server was down! Use this as your theme

Hmm.... maybe I cursed GFF to epic :nazfail: when I made this prompt eh?

AUthor A: Sav Me!

Author B: A Favor Squared

VOTING STARTS NOW!

Originally Posted by Dekoa

OK, I'm going to stagger the entries again, As well as give if 5 days to vote. LET'S GO!

Hmm.... maybe I cursed GFF to epic :nazfail: when I made this prompt eh?

AUthor A: Sav Me!

Author B: This Too SUllied Flesh!

VOTING STARTS NOW!

Are you sure you uploaded the correct files?

And yes, GFF went down three times after you assigned this prompt. It's all your fault!

Hmmmmm, Whoops!

I need to pay more attention to people than dates.

:nazfail: out of nowhere. ._.

I've noticed it popping up in chat once in a while too as part of regular conversation. *sigh*

Next stop, Webster's Dictionary.

Once again, if I repeat anything someone has already said, I apologize. I like to write my critique, then read others'.

Sav Me

First and foremost, I want to say that this story had great potential, but I just don't feel that you really went for it. I almost got the sense that you wrote this story in a rush.

The subtexts had amazing comedic potential that you didn't take advantage of. They could have been much more scathing and funny, but as it is, they're dry as hell, which makes me wonder why you even used them in this story.

The concept is so cruel. I actually felt sorry for those poor, unsuspecting shoppers. That you were able to make me feel anything at all is a good thing. The ability to invoke an actual emotion in a reader is rare among amateur writers, so good job!

The dialogue between Jim and Erik was nice.

The ending was...anticlimactic, to say the least. I was expecting Erik and Jim to get their payback in a big, big way, but again, you let an excellent opportunity to wow the reader pass you by.

A Favor Squared

I can't figure out how this poem had anything to do with the server being down. Did I miss something?

I am also curious about why you chose to make this a poem. At first, I tried to read it as it was intended (as a poem), but the rhythm was non-existent and I had to switch over to reading it as a short story and attempt to pretend that it wasn't written as a poem. I had a little more success doing it that way.

I did like how she made him buy her a whole new pair of pants, even though he never actually tripped to begin with. That was quite charming. Also, I did like the whole idea of this piece, but honestly, I had so much trouble even reading this because of the way it was written that I couldn't vote for it. Sorry.

I voted for Author A.

Non-existent rhythm? ;___; Almost all of it is in 10-syllable iambic pentameter... (da DUH da DUH da DUH da DUH da DUH)

____________

It was quite tough to think of word design,
And fit the structure to iambic tone.
Pentameter's a bitch to keep in line.
But since I chose this style, I shouldn't moan.

Congratulations to my opponent,
You have a better flair for dialogue,
You beat me, now go win the tournament,
So I can say I lost to the top dog.

Good luck, orion_mk3!

Dammit, I was afraid this would happen--that's why I pushed for simply re-opening the expired polls instead of recreating them. We lost at least two voters, judging by the number of posts, and having a one-point victory with only three voters in such circumstances rings hollow for winner and loser alike.

I do want to say that I think you could easily have won barring the crash, Zergy (ironic, I suppose). I envy your piece both in its technical execution and audaciousness, and I'd encourage you to draft it some more and seek publication.

For my part, I spent a solid week on my piece, writing and revising every day, and it's not nearly as strong as the last one which was a single afternoon's writing and editing (another irony, I suppose). I also wrote two alternate stories, or parts thereof, and chose what I felt was the strongest to enter here. It was supposed to be a mix of humor and pathos, thoug I fear it wound up being fuzzy in execution.

Thanks for the kind words, orion_mk3, but you shouldn't sell yourself short either! Even before the crash, you led by 3:1. You would have won handily.

Now, to reply in more detail!

Originally Posted by Alice

A Favor Squared

I can't figure out how this poem had anything to do with the server being down. Did I miss something?

I am also curious about why you chose to make this a poem. At first, I tried to read it as it was intended (as a poem), but the rhythm was non-existent and I had to switch over to reading it as a short story and attempt to pretend that it wasn't written as a poem. I had a little more success doing it that way.

I did like how she made him buy her a whole new pair of pants, even though he never actually tripped to begin with. That was quite charming. Also, I did like the whole idea of this piece, but honestly, I had so much trouble even reading this because of the way it was written that I couldn't vote for it. Sorry.

Both entries in fact did not have servers being down in the regular sense (a la GFF). Entry A had a depressed "server" working in retail, my entry had a depressed "server" working in food and beverage. Funny how we both chose not to interpret it in the general sense! (Orion_mk3 did include a line about the server being down, something which I toyed with but couldn't fit into what I had in mind.)

I object to the non-rhythm part. The whole thing is virtually in strict iambic pentameter (Among the most famous of Shakespeare's sonnets (18) illustrates this rhythm: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

Originally Posted by Servilonus

Wow, I didn't even get the squared part until now. Is it referencing the style of the poem because there are 14 14-lined stanzas, thus 14x14, or 14sqaured?

Bingo. Sonnet = 14 lines, with ABAB CDCD EE rhymes. There are 14 stanzas in my submission. 14 squared. And of course, the favor was squared. Buy new pants, get cheered up

Originally Posted by Crash Landon

Author B: I'll be honest, I didn't care for this piece. I tried to wrap my head around the meter, but it only served to distract me from the actual events within. I found it difficult to read because of this and after a few stanzas, I considered giving up.

I feel that one of the key elements of writing is knowing one's audience. Writing for a niche demographic is fine, but this isn't one of those times. I'd wager there are precious few people on Gamingforce with a deep appreciation for iambic pentameter; prose like this may be wasted on most. Offering up highly unorthodox work like this comes off as a bit indulgent, if not pretentious.

If the prompt challenge had been to use poetry, or find an alternative method of telling a story, I could've lived with Shakespearean rhyme. But given the story it was trying to tell, I felt like the meter was nothing but an annoyance, a superfluous varnish that lent very little to the story itself. You may still win out of sheer pluck; you obviously set a high bar for yourself. But should you make it through to the next round, I'd encourage you to stick by the more traditional methods of storytelling, if but for the sake of your readers.

You're right. Should have tailored to the audience. However, I do enjoy putting in some limitations in my work. For instance, my first submission had a built-in limitation (limited number of paragraphs, because the first letter of each paragraph forms a summary of the entire story!). This submission, I committed to 14x14 lines, with an additional requirement of utilizing iambic pentameter form.

Not an easy chore, but I got it done in a week or so (my first submission took a couple of days, after I thought about it for a week). But in this case, substance trumped form all throughout!