Round 3: An explosion rocked the ____

Ok, I just want to admit that I was really lazy last night and I didn't remember to put one up.

Originally Posted by Dekoa

"An Explosion rocked the (Object or Setting you choose)" Use this as the first line in your sentence

So who do we have today Eh? Let's see:

Author A = Afterlife
Author B = Explosion rocked the street.

Pasting in my comments from my previous vote.

Author A: I enjoyed the action and description in this story. While a little verbose at times, the writer managed to establish a complicated scene and characters with some skill, and the style was always clear and clean. The main character has some nice development and quirks, though I would suggest some research into his occupation, since his behavior (especially when confronted with a fresh murder) seems a bit odd.

The format of the story is very risky--presenting a part rather than a whole always runs the risk of feeling fragmentary and incomplete. Sure enough, this is how the tale feels, though there is a bit of a resolution--the "wear a hat" bit. I can't help but feel that, with your mechanical skill, you could have woven an original tale that met the requirements. It's hard to see where the concept will go from the snippet provided; as a result, I can't be sure if you're going to take the "working-class Grim Reaper" in a new and fresh direction.

Author B: Interestingly, both this and the other tale seem to have some film noir undertones in their stories. The way this story opens--the disjointed passages offset by dashes--in interesting, as is the way it's told. The word choice and cadence of the writing helps to reinforce the noir feel, and it's done very engagingly.

That brings me to the second interesting device you utilize--the interjections by an editor (which interestingly enough mirror my own comments). It's a neat metafictional device which you use to create a rather knowing, slightly snide commentary. The comments were genrally dead-on (and the bit about being over the word count was kind of funny), but I kept asking myself what the running commentary brought to the story.

Aside from the final line, which isn't much of a payoff, the editorial comments seem to exist solely because they're neat and lend a rather fantastic story a hip sensibility and grounding in reality. I was entertained by both the tale and the interjections, but I couldn't help but feel that the device could be used as more than a gimmick.

My vote is for Author B. While both authors provided fine, readable prose--and I would like to see what both can do in future rounds--B presented a more compelling tale. Author A was handicapped by the very nature of his story, which he acknowledged but which put him at a disadvantage. B, on the other hand, had a complete tale that, although gimmicky, was entertaining. Good job, the both of you.

Pasting in my comments from the previous vote.

Both entries hewed nominally to the prompt - just a one-liner really.

I'm not much of a fan of the zombie genre, but I must credit Author B for the inventive use of an unusual framing mechanism for his story. The editor's right - you are over by 200 words - good to see you acknowledge it in such a way!

Author A crafts an offbeat, but interesting tale. It is nicely self-contained, but holds potential. I look forward to reading up on subsequent chapters, if you choose to continue your idea.

Vote goes to "A".

They both have a few drawbacks.

The first does a decent job of showing people's reactions to the weird stuff the main character is caught up in until he actually gets into the conversation. Then it's as if no one but those two exist. A couple of other points aren't clear, but that may be due to it being the first chapter of the story.

The second has outside references. Raccoon City and AstraZeneca stood out to me. These might be problematic given that this work is written to become a movie. Maybe it was due to the fast-paced, high-action quality to it, but I got lost a few times. And there's the word count, despite being a part of the story.

However, in both cases, the good outweighs the bad. They are both creative and intriguing. They both play with conventional structure. They both contain some humor.

I feel that I need to vote for Author B. Admittedly, Author A's is more my style, but some of my nagging thoughts (What do others think about him talking to himself? How did that hourglass reveal the character's identity? What exactly did happen in that opening sequence?) prevent me from liking it as much as I want to. Despite the drawbacks of Author B's story, I really enjoyed the editorial commentary and its affect on the story. It's unusual, but quite welcome.

I vote for Author B.

Forgive me if I repeat some things others have said. I like to write my critique before I read anyone else’s so I won’t be influenced by the opinions of others.

Afterlife Inc.

- Why would a “grim reaper” need a knife, and did he actually stab Gavin with it? If not, what was he doing with the knife? Why didn’t Gavin notice that there was a guy with a knife to his head? Needless to say, this part left me very confused.

- I really liked the interchange between Gavin and the restaurant attendant. In my opinion, it was the most solidly written part of this story.

- Now be serious. Some guy has almost lost his job and believes he has seen a serial killer and has just gotten a huge break that could solve all his problems. Do you really think he would have ignored the request that he wear a hat?

- I enjoyed your “hourglass of life” idea. Very cool concept, and it was described nicely, too.

- How was Gavin getting the index cards?

I would assume that some of my questions would have been answered in other parts of this book/story that you didn’t submit, but there were so many unanswered questions that I wonder if this piece was a good choice for a short story submission. That, and the fact that there were quite a few punctuation errors (which are always distracting), led me to the conclusion that I wasn’t crazy about this one.

The Explosion Rocked the Street

I’m just going to say right off the bat that I voted for this story. It was excellent, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Here are my comments:

- I loved the old slang. I’m not sure how you pulled that off, because no one I know even knows how to talk like that, but it was great.

- Some of your lines were so excellent I found myself smiling. Example: “Swear to God, John…I’m moonlighting over at the Cat’s Tail tonight, and if I show up with intestine on my uniform…”

- This isn’t a critique, but I had to laugh at your reference to AstraZeneca Pharmaceuticals. My husband is a sales rep for that company.

- You did have a lot of typos. =/

In summary, this story was a great concept and it was written extremely well. It was funny, vivid, and your dialogue is great. I’ll be very shocked if you don’t win this round.

Guess I missed the voting. Oh well.

Story A: Interesting idea, good set up. Not enough happened for me, for a short story. The intro was very long, then there was a middle part where some intrigue came into play, but then this was sandwiched in between a large chunk of exposition at the end. Still, quality writing in general.


Story B: Some mechanical errors, cliche's galore (but that seemed to be the point), but overall a fun romp. I enjoyed the meta-discussion between the editor and the author. It seemed like the story responded to the editor's comments. It was just plain fun to read: it kept my interest throughout.

Story B wins for me...

Hey, looks like Moth beats out Crash Landon! Congrats

What? Ah, geez - real life is killing me. Wasn't this supposed to happen over the summer this time around?

Good match, Crash, I hope we can do this again, sometime.

Also, I've been waiting like four weeks, or however long this round has been, to go on about how utterly pleased I am that neither of us could resist putting in a fedora. I'm tickled pink by that.